Delirium and depression shifting me when I needed to change regardless...

So, I'm still just some guy, who never found his feet, and never had too much to say, despite rambling incessantly. For anybody who still reads this, you're probably aware that in more recent times, I've been despondent about this blog... I'm fairly sure nobody is reading it for starts, which bothers me a little, kinda hammers home the fact that I'm meaningless, despite my greatest effort to be productive, but I guess I only have myself to blame, rarely have anything to post and never have anything interesting to say and always express myself in the most incomprehensible of ways... and I know none of that is ever going to change... which makes me smile... I'm going to be failure all my life, because that's who I want to be... I want to do my thing, even if I'm just chattering in the dark to myself...

right, so, I'm tired of this blog and stuff, particularly because the only people who ever seem to take any interest in my pretentous egotistical rambling are the people who want to poke at my flaws and point out that I'm awful person as if I didn't already live with the concept drilled into the back of my skull, as if they couldn't tell by the way that I use self depricating humour to carry a point that I hold the opinion that I'm one of the worse on this shit pile of the world, but regardless, that's said and done now, I don't like me, shock horror, there's plenty of stuff that keeps me entertained that it slides into insignificance...

so yeah, where was I, yes, I'm tired of this blog, partly because I seem to be rambling to myself and asshats and nobody funky (sorry if you are of the funk, I didn't know you were reading), but mostly because the rambling of some bitter and messed up "dying to be a "post party at spargoes" style socialite" while actually just being a loony loser isn't really who I am any more... these days I'm just a lonely pretentious "wishing he was artsy wierdo" dying to produce insane impossible ideas, crazy head, troll squirrel... this green place isn't for me any more... I want somewhere I can ramble and draft stuff, and I want somewhere I can quickly ramble stuff that erks me, rather than feeling like I'm trying to tell stories about nothing to an audience of nobody... I want blogs to act as a place for me where people can feel free to observe but not really designed with them in mind... because lets face it, when their in mind, it doesn't seem that any of them/you care about it...

Meanwhile, all of this is coming forward and being expressed because I'm ill. Yeah, I managed to nuke my summer by getting glandular fever and my body refusing to do anything... pissing me off and driving me into delirium to be actually stuck in the hovel everyday, but meh, I guess I just have to sit it out till I'm well and capable... which as you're all probably aware is really pretty much never, but hey, someday I'll be out in this sun, I'm just hoping it's soon, so I can remove myself from the apparent hostility of the imposing tower fan kept a foot away from me and blowing day and night to keep my fever down... oh the fun...

Back to other topics, as some of the more emotionally bound individuals who have wronged me in the past may be aware, that I tend to defend myself in the dirtiest of ways; mostly due to haste and anger. Recently; due to a story that may be shared as a close to this blog in the near future, I pulled out all the stops to insult and ridicule Lunchbox' Gaurdian Force, because, as a few individuals may be aware, you insult me for taking my mindless and meaningless opinion to heart, then I'm going to insult you for being such a closeminded and self centered individual. I mean, it's an opinion, it's not like I was voicing it behind the back of the individual in order to bitch about such individual or voicing that opinion in my blog to openly insult the individual to the nobody that reads it. Rather, I rationally and openly expressed it to the individual directly, because I wanted to offer my drunken impression of what actually occured that evening, rather than the irrational anger over everybody at how the individuals were treated... well, as I should have expected from past overly dramatic reaction to mindless social politics, Miss GF, Shiva if you would, threw a hissy fit and disowned me socially, despite an apology for my behaviour.

Now you may be wondering why I am currently sharing this irrelevance with you, especially as when Lunchbox mentions this comment Shiva shall probably want my ass served on a plate; the reason for this is simple, due to my disownment mixed with Lunchbox and Shiva being a gemini engine of the modern age, I don't expect to see Lunchbox again. Yes, I'm sorry inmates of an insane asylum, I don't expect there to be the mythical perfect 5th episode of "Lissenersayzclamptz," which as I think about it is a very good thing. Firstly, we're the poor man's Adam and Joe, and seen as how Adam and Joe are free these days, I don't see why you'd bother looking for negative valued podcast, unless you want us to give you money and that's certainly not going to happen, "we're student bums! damn it!" Secondly, Steve's desires for world domination were beginning to surface and his progression for our cast in relation to his ideology wanted to stretch into a Clampted nation of Lisseners who say stuff, and other such rambling of a wannabe despot. Thirdly, we were starting to develop an odd style of free formed ramdomly induced meaningless jazz casting, which while fun, meant we never got round to anything interesting or productive. Finally, our fifth was to be our final show because of how summer was playing out, and how I'm ill, and how we are all going to be living a different style of existance post-september.

So with that finish that never came in mind and recent events, I now proclame LissenerSaysClamptz our/my first dead cast. Episodes three and four will be up for download for a while longer, but eventually I will be taking them off my server. The Lissener Sayz Clamptz blog is shared between me and Steve, I plan to keep it open to keep future projects from both of us still networked from one point in history and cyberspace, but Steve may have different ideas. If anybody, and I'm kinda hoping for no response from this, because it would genuinely worry me that they desire such torture, but if anybody wants any of the four episodes of mine and Steve's first romp into the world of podcasting, feel free to contact either of us, using stalker powers or some such and we'll be happy to give you access to any of them.

Now, At this, the wake of my dead feed, I announce the birth of something else. "The Voice Of The Wretchedly Ill," as I'm going to be ill for at least another month yet, and wanting to remain productive in that time, I'm going to beta a second cast. I want to try finally rambling alone, see if I can pull off anything interesting at all, which I'm doubtful, but who's going to bother suffering though this post to this point to become aware of it's existance, let alone suffer listening to it. It's going to be a mini and tempory cast, just to try out solo podcasting and producing stuff. Lets see how it plays out.

Also, I'm closing this blog, as I think I made clear above, because it's more an archive of a variation of me that doesn't exist these days. I'm going to open a second blog for my second cast. I'm going to open a third blog for me to blog in a more personal style than here. I'm still unsure about opening another blog to present drafts of Zombie Hordes, but I'll think about that more when I have drafts that are publically readable.

While on the subject of Zombie hordes, drafts of drafts of drafts are spewn everywhere, and production of it is becoming very confused and messy, so I'm going to take a break from the huge overview drafts and focus in on some of the more vague middle sections and expend them, hoping that it relieves the confusion felt through the overview. However, without a solid opening, this process is different for me. This whole project has been incredibly difficult for me, purely because I'm not used to writing at this scope or scale. Usually my writing starts and I'm not sure where it's going and I find it within a paragraph or two and draw it to an eventual conclusion, this time, I know the beginning and the end and most of the middle, but having that general overview in place makes it impossible for my mind to find the detail that my usual process of writing focuses round... if anybody care and if that makes an ounce of sense...

So, I guess I'll see you people around, stay funky everybody.

Edit: I think HolyShitInc may still be the address of my main blog, I might shift this one to another address... not sure yet, depends how I feel about it when I start blogging in a few days...